Sunday, November 28, 2010

What Cop Wives Want (and Need)

Well, I'm back from being MIA in blogland and received this awesome article from my fellow copwife, blogging pal Momma Val.

It's titled, "What a Woman Wants from Her Man: Advice for the Cop Who Wants to Keep His Woman"

It shares the basic needs that suddenly seem to no longer take precedence at times when married to a cop. This is a generalized statement, and maybe you're one of the extreme fortunate ones that have never had to deal with a relationship adjustment with you fella in blue, but I can speak from personal experience that this article is true.

Here's a snippet from the article, yet it's all worth a read (italics added):

Simply put, women need to feel loved. A women feels loved when she is number one in her partner's life. She needs to know he values her over the job, friends,
coworkers, hunting, golf, his mom, and the kids. If a woman perceives she takes
second place in any area of her man's priorities, she will start to build a wall
that protects her emotionally. She will pull away and not see her man as a safe
person she can trust with all of her vulnerabilities. If she does not feel safe
and loved by her man she will then begin to deny her need to feel loved, or
worse, get the need met someone else. Either way the relationship suffers when
this dynamic occurs and will often lead to the relationship ending. Again I will
say, in order for a woman to feel loved she needs to feel
first in her man's

What have you found that works for your needs getting met?

Friday, July 16, 2010

We aren't the ones driving the bus

I thought I would update on the post I made previously. About the family who had a terrible tragedy 1 week ago today.

Today, the sweet little one who was injured has returned to her Father in Heaven.

So many thoughts about this.

First and foremost is of course true sorrow for this family and a great deal of respect for the composure and grace they have shown throughout this week. Thousands of people have been reading their blog daily, writing to them and praying for this little girl to recover, hoping a miracle would happen.
I respectfully submit perhaps it did and we just don't see the full extent of that miracle yet. And I say that based on what her brave parents has said about the past week.
But, at this time, in this deeply powerful and personal moment for this family; I feel like a Peeping Tom intruding on what can only be described as their Sacred Ground. And I need to get off their ground and return to a respectful distance while they mourn the loss of a dearly precious one.

The next thoughts I have are for the ones who tried to save this dear child, from the good samaritan to the first responders (cops, emts, fire fighters) to the doctors and nurses. They all did their very best work, I am quite certain of it.
But I am afraid that some blame themselves for this sad outcome. That they have thoughts of, "Maybe I didn't do enough," or "If only I had been faster, stronger..."
I worry for the ones who have been losing sleep over this, and hanging any of their self-worth on the outcome of this situation.
Because that would be wrong to do.

We aren't the ones driving this bus.
Not a single person on this earth can really definitively say why this had to happen now, to this little one.
No one can go back in time and undo what was done.

None of us are in control at the end of the day and occasionally the Good Lord, in His Infinite Wisdon, must take all of us by the hand and walk us down a road we don't want to walk; for reasons we won't understand until we've reached the end of that particular path.
We don't have control over it so we may as well sit down in our seat, look out the window, and let the bus driver drive.

I am so proud of everyone who worked so hard to help this family and I hope they know that no one sees them as having failed. We all know you did your best, please know it too.

And please, our LEO friends and family out there, pray for this family during this private, SACRED time in their lives and pray for our family in blue (and the good samaritan and every person who did their best to save this little one) so they can heal also.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

A unique perspective on tragedy

***Out of respect for the parties involved I am attempting to keep this as vague as possible. This is such a tender situation and I have no desire to add to anyone's heart ache.***

I'm feeling a little raw right now. And I won't lie, I feel foolish about that. After all, I'm not even a LEO.
But this one hit me.

I sometimes forget that the tragedy that happens every day, that our LEOs respond to, happen to real people. It is so easy to put up the distance and forget.

Last night something big went down in the area. We knew that just based on the lights and sirens rushing past our house. And of course the helicopter which told us that someone was very badly hurt.

In all honesty, I didn't even give it a second thought. Its summer. Tis the season.

This morning I saw a few of my cop wife friends and they told me what had happened as their LEOs were the first responders. A little one was in a terrible accident. Just horrible and their poor men did everything they could to save this child, but it was one of those accidents where really it was (and still is) in God's hands how it would end. Heartbreaking.

As they were telling me this, I am ashamed to admit my first thought was, "I am so relieved Big Daddy didn't have to respond to that call." My second thoughts were feeling for those LEOs. Any accident is horrible, but we all know that when a tiny one is involved it affects them a bit more. In talking to them I remember saying it was horrible, but the boys did their best and bad things happen. We just have to accept it and move on. You know, your standard stuff you say when you've seen your guy there before and you know that it will be rough on them but it will eventually get better (you hope).

Later that day a gal I know came by talking about this accident. Only, what she said hit me. I actually knew the family involved in this horrible accident. Not intimately, but well enough to say hello and make small talk. Enough to know exactly who they were. My heart just broke. And I felt a level of shame that I had been so callous in my sentiment that bad things happen but the world will move on. For these people I know, the world may not move for some time.

Additionally, it gave me an additional layer of empathy and pain for the situation. It is stupid, but when a little one is harmed I always hope that if they are taken from this world, they are taken to a much better place. But... this one is such a loved little one. To take it from its loving parents after all the LEOs did... it hurts so much more.

Then after that I was told another piece of information. There was a good samaritan involved who was in the right place at the right time and if this story does have a happy ending, this person will have played a pivotal role. I know this person also. And I hurt for this person. Because while a LEO's job it rough, they did sign up for it. That good samaritan, well this just landed in their lap and what a traumatic thing to go through. Another person to hurt for.

None of these three parties know each other, but I know them.

And I know the earth doesn't revolve around me and my feelings in this are frankly, not worth mentioning compared to those directly involved, but it is a unique window into the way it must feel to be an LEO for me. Because sometimes they do know the parties involved and that must make it that much harder to do their job and keep their composure and not let the pain they witness damage them too.

It is so easy to keep a distance when bad things happen and that is a good healthy thing. I have more of an appreciation for how the LEOs I know are able to take these moments and put them away and keep on going. I understand the need for their off beat humor even more and I get the bond they have with each other. Because only they can understand what they have each seen and been through.

I now understand more that I will never fully understand. But I see a bit more and it gives me more compassion for what everyone in a situation like this goes through. What a horrible painful moment for all involved.

Bad things happen.
The world will go on.

But, for these three groups of people, to varying degrees, they will be left in that moment for some time, dealing with different and yet similar emotions.

I've never had an opportunity to have such a unique perspective on something and while I am grateful for it, I hope I never do again.

Right now all I can do it pray for each party and hope that a wonderful miraculous ending can occur. And if it can't, that everyone in pain from this horrible horrible accident will be comforted by someone much greater than us all.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Natalie had her baby today

I'll leave it to her to give you all the details, but some of us sisters in blue went in tonight to see her and the little guy. He looks good, she looks good.
So there you have it.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

LEO Exposure to Meth

As I was browsing my facebook account this morning, trying to get the motivation to get out of bed, I came across this link from an old friend I graduated with:

A $6.oo Lifesaver for the non-profit MethCops Program

What I didn't know until about a year ago, he's also Dog, the Bounty Hunter's son. I saw him on TV and couldn't hardly believe it. Wes has an amazing story, though it's not for the faint of heart yet shows how strong of a person he's become.

I digress. Going back to the MethCops Program mentioned above, some of those interviewed described similar struggles that I've seen in FH as well as other local officers.

For instance, after a major drug bust over a year ago, FH was sick for days afterwards and some of the other officers involved developed asthmatic conditions and similar physical symptoms. Meth is a huge problem in this little community, and after watching the youtube video on the link above, I'm wondering if some of FH's anger, headaches, and out-of-character reactions are a result of this exposure.

It's definitely worth taking a looksy at, and I'm intrigued about learning more about the program.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Behind the Badge: A spouse’s job is just as tough

Behind the Badge: A spouse’s job is just as tough

This article is a little long, but worth the helps a lot. I love FISH and I trust his skills that they will keep him safe every day.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Having the LEO at Home

FH just finished a set of nights, but I've been so jumpy with him home! And not the newlywed kind.

Let me explain. I've been so used to doing the single parent thing, that it's hard to know what to do with him now that he has a few days off.

For example, I have a routine of putting the kids to bed, which seems as if it takes forever doing it alone, so I was totally pumped to get his help. Well, as soon as we came home from having dinner with the folks, I got right back into my solo routine and proceeded to put the kids to bed.

While emerging into the hall after getting a glass of water from the fridge, I did a scaredy-jumpy dance (foot stomp and all) seeing his form coming from another room. The kids had just gone to bed otherwise I probably would've shrieked like a little pansy.

He gave me a perplexed look then walked off. A little later that evening I got both of our toothbrushes ready, thinking it was nice that we could go to bed at the same time. But when he came in to grab his toothbrush, another scaredy-jumpy dance (foot stomp and all) occurred.

"What's the deal with you?"

"I don't know!" as I giggled sheepishly. He just rolled his eyes and brushed his teeth.

It's always hard for me to go to sleep when he's working nights wishing he was home (though I highly enjoy having the bed to myself being pregnant right now). I just didn't realize that I got use to it and tuned his presence out!

I love my husband, and I don't want him to think that we don't care about him because he's hardly ever home, yet in order to get tasks done I have to pretend it's just me. Little did I know that my imagination would make it a reality.

I wonder if part of this stems back to some psychological issue I had during my Barbie-playing days. After having a few Ken dolls melted by my brothers (definitely a story for another day), I just resigned to the fact that Ken was always away on business trips or in meetings while Barbie had girlfriends over and raised children.

I don't compare myself to Barbie (and wouldn't want to!), but why did I always make her "single yet married?"

I've been writing little love notes to FH on a chalkboard in our kitchen the last few months and have actually enjoyed sending him texts (never thought I'd see the day since I use to be so opposed to that form of technology). I know I'm married, I'm just use to being single.

I want FH to know I'm thinking about him, but when he's physically home, I end up doing a scaredy-jumpy dance (foot stomp and all).

Has anyone else had this happen to them? I think I need therapy.